In honor of all Romance Indie Authors, I have another Indie Author as my guest today. Please welcome P.J. Jones to my blog!
Her debut novel just released on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. I'm..uh..not sure what to think of her new book and I told her so. She's written a spoof on romance novels. At first glance, I'm already laughing my arse off. You'll have to see for yourself. Can't wait to buy Romance Novel for my nookie and read it on the way to Houston. What do you think? Do the romance writers and readers out there have a sense of humor? I think so. Good stuff.
Blurb
Smella Rosepetal must find a millionaire husband to finance her baby's heart transplant. She flies home to her deputy father's ranch in Pitchforks, Texas, where she falls in love with Deadward Forest, a wealthy environmentalist vampire.
When a deranged murderer is on the loose in Pitchforks, killing romance heroines, Deadward assumes Smella would be safer without him. Smella turns to her childhood friend, Snake Long, for comfort. But Snake doesn't have the money to save her baby, so Smella places herself in peril in a desperate hunt for a rich husband.
Time is running out for Smella's baby, and she must escape from the Australian Outback and face down Flabio, an overweight and disgruntled, aspiring cover model, plus enraged vampire wives and their homosexual, vampire, cowboy husbands, a jealous were-gerbil, James Bond, a drunk rodeo clown and Smella's strange boyfriend who wants to drain her blood, yet is repulsed by her smell.
Excerpt
Chapter 1
“Miss Rosepetal. I’m afraid your baby is gravely ill. As each day passes, his heart beats slower. Eventually, it will stop.” Dr. Wannabush sat on the edge of his desk, twirling the tip of his dark, slender moustache, while he peered down at Smella Rosepetal through small, dark-rimmed spectacles.
“Not my little Joshua!” Hands clasped over her heart, the young mother‘s gaze swept over the rosy-cheeked, crimson-haired, infant sleeping in the basket beside her chair. “Doctor,” she cried, “you must save him!”
Dr. Wannabush stood, adjusting the heavy weight in his crotch while he thrust his pelvis precariously close to the bridge of Smella’s blemish-free, and not overly-large, forehead. “He will need a heart transplant, but the operation is risky.”
Smella managed to look up at the doctor’s face, despite the stiffened protrusion obscuring her vision. “How risky?” she asked.
Shaking his head, the doctor sat back down, the bulge in his plaid polyester pants looking more like an erect circus tent. “There is a fifty-percent chance he will not make it.”
“Oh, my baby!” She cried, her long tresses coming undone from their neat, maidenly confinement, in lush, cascading, dark waves, despite the fact that Smella hadn’t touched her scalp.
The doctor arched a slender brow. “And there’s more.”
“More?” she gasped.
“Your health insurance doesn’t cover this type of surgery.” The doctor leveled her with a hardened stare. “You will need five hundred thousand dollars.”
“Doctor, I’m a vulnerable single mother, desperately in need of a strong man to take care of me.” A hand flew to her brow and she turned pleading violet eyes upon him. “Where am I to get that kind of money?”
Lost in a perfectly staged, yet not painstakingly long, lapse of thought, the doctor rubbed his chiseled jaw. “Might I suggest you marry a young, sophisticated, wealthy Texas tycoon with raven hair and bulging biceps, who’s not afraid of a long-term commitment to a poor, ignorant, yet surprisingly beautiful, single mother, who for some reason has a flat stomach and firm breasts, despite the fact that she recently birthed an illegitimate child?”
“What a good idea.” Suddenly forgetting the gravity of the situation, Smella nearly jumped out of her seat, her perky breasts jiggling once, then coming to a complete, controlled stop. “How can I ever thank you?”
Dr. Wannabush shrugged, a sly grin creasing the corners of his mouth. “A quickie on top of my desk.”
Batting long, lush lashes, she shook her head apologetically. “I’m sorry, doctor, but I’m saving my virginity for my one true love.”
His forehead wrinkled in obvious confusion. “You have a baby.”
“Yes, I know. He’s the light of my life, and so smart.” She looked down at the baby again, which had somehow sprouted blond hair and a dimple in his chin. “He cries only on cue and knows not to interrupt a scene between Mommy and a minor secondary character.”
The doctor heaved a sigh. “Are you sure I can’t change your mind about that quickie?”
“No, doctor, I’m sorry. I must hurry to Texas if I am to save my baby.” Smella and her breasts quickly stood. She single-handedly lifted the infant’s basket with surprising ease before abruptly turning and heading for the door. “Thank you for everything. Maybe if you’re lucky, you will have sex in a sequel.”
BUY LINK FOR AMAZON KINDLE LOVERS
BUY LINK FOR BARNES AND NOBLE NOOK LOVERS
~Have a great weekend! Ha!
Alisha
23 comments:
Haha! That's funny! Thank you PJ for the humor and thank you Alisha for bringing it to us! Reminds me of a "soap" spoof! I love it! I will surely download it to my Kindle!
Have fun in Houston and Galveston and be sure to tell me all about it after you get home!
~Cathy~
That is hilarious. Somehow, surprisingly...it works.
That's too funny. It really works and I love spoofs. I'll have to download a copy.
Thanks, yes, please buy it. And, BTW, yes, I am an avid romance reader and poking fun of romance novels is my form of comic relief. PJ
This is so funny, it's hard to be offended. But seriously, I don't think I could read the whole book. Unelss it's really short. I think the puns and sarcasm would eventually wear thin.
It's hard to take offense at something this funny!
Absolutely hilarious. Thanks for the laughs!
I thought this was hilarious. Really, really funny. I like to poke fun at romance novels, too, but usually do it right within the work! Thanks for sharing.
Lilly, it IS a novella. I couldn't write a full-length novel of pun. In the words of my hero "“I thought I’d drive you to my house now, unless you want this book to drag on for 600 pages.”
Thanks, ladies, for thinking it's funny. One reviewer called it 'raunchy'. I have to admit, the book can get raunchy at times, so if you read it and STILL like it, you can lie and say it stunk.
Hysterically funny. I love the campy humor and wished I'd thought of it first! I wish the author great success and take no insult at all. I'm a fan of Spaceballs and all the other wacky and fun spoofs of other movies! Smella is damn funny...good luck!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (*Arial goes to B&N to download it to her Nook). Wooohoooo ahahahahaha!
Well, 600 pages might be a bit much. lol! And you probably could write a full length novel of pun. The blurb was hilarious. But I'm glad it's just a novella. I can definitely handle that.
Cherie, you rock!
ALISHA--if you're not an award-winning author you should be. My lands, this was hysterical from the get-go. If you can write this well in jest, you must be hell on wheels in a real novel. Good luck to you....except I don't think you need it. Wonderful, funny stuff. You made my day. Celia
Arial, thanks for buying Romance Novel. Either you will burn your Nook for being tainted by such filth or you will piss your pants laughing.
Lilly, it is just under 50K. If you're an avid reader, you can finish it in a sitting - unless you burn it first!
Celia, thanks for the good wishes. You made my day.
Hey, everyone. FB blocked me from friending for a few days. A few authors must have thought I wasn't a REAL writer and reported me as spam. I'm on Alisha's friend list and would really appreciate some support. You can always unfriend me later if you hate the book. LOL!
Alisha, thanks for letting me tarnish your blog! Everyone is welcome to stop by my blog, too. See link below. Alisha, maybe when I actually get some followers, I'll have you on there.
http://pjjonesramblings.blogspot.com/
I'm between edits right now so I might can manage 50K. lol!I'm following your blog now.
I love it! What a great idea! :-) Best of luck with the book, PJ!
Thanks, Lilly and Leah!
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