Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Craziest Halloween Book Signing Ever by Alisha Paige!

As the leaves begin to turn and fall from the trees, I generally do more book signings because of the simple fact that I'm a paranormal author. Sometimes I may do four to five signings in October.

Well, last year I was asked to sign books at a wine shop in my hometown on Halloween afternoon! Coolest! I'd get to sign books, wear my silly witch hat and drink wine with other wine drinkers who might just get tipsy enough to stroll over and talk to the goofy witch and maybe, just maybe buy a book. My book signing was scheduled for a couple of hours and I'd have time to run home, grab my three little goblins and head out the door for trick or treating! Awesome! I was all set! I had my books lined up on my spooky Halloween table cloth, wine in hand, witch hat on and I was ready for my fans. Well...I think my only fan for the first hour or so was the cricket in the corner. BTW, it didn't help that the wine shop owner forgot to advertise my signing with the adorable posters I'd sent her. Nice...sigh.

So, I was there, burning up in a long witch dress, pointy witch hat and gold eye lashes longer than the Mississippi River. After a while a group of young women come in and sit at a nearby table and order lots of wine and cheese. Cool. Drink up, girls and mosey on over here. Come buy my Jack-the-Ripper Tale. Please! I'm lonely and my wine glass is empty. So, a few minutes pass and the wine shop owner comes to my table and leans over to whisper in my ear. "You about ready to do some readings?"

I swear my fake eyelashes hit my forehead! Readings? What readings? "Uh...readings?"

The lady's mouth falls open. "Yes. Readings. You said you were a paranormal author."

Uh..yeah, lady. I write about paranormal stuff...in the romance fiction world that means I write about vampires, werewolves, other-worldly stuff...ghosts..maybe..but I sure as hell don't talk to them. I DON'T see dead people. Ever.

"That's right. I'm a paranormal author. I write mostly werewolf books. Paranormal is a genre, not to be confused with paranormal activity."

The lady is not pleased. Her lips pucker and she stares at me with Lucille Ball eyeballs! "That table of women are all expecting readings!"

I lean over and say, "Are you telling me I need to give them readings, as in psychic?"

She nods.

"But I'm not a fortune teller."

She just stares and stomps her foot for a full minute, then says in an icy tone, "I think you should read for them."

"I can do that. I'll just fake it."

She smiles. Sort of. "Good. I'll tell them you're ready."

Holy crap! I can't believe I have to read for these people! I'm not a damn psychic! But I remember back to a psychic fair I went to with my good friend and remember all the psychics who read for me. I can do this. Just fake it. Tell them a bunch of happy bull crap! They're drunk! They won't know! Just do it! So the first girl rushes up, all excited and I ask for her hand. Hell! I don't even remember what all these lines stand for. I think this long one is the life line and then the love line...wow..uh..okay..here goes.

"Looks like you have had two very interesting romantic relationships. Both of them were very dear to your heart."

The girl nods and whispers. "Wow. You can see that?"

"Sure. See that line there? That's the love line. See how it breaks off into two here and then a third line, it goes to the end of your hand. That's your soulmate."

She giggles. I feed her some more bullcrap and she leaves all giddy and happy. Hell yeah! I can do this. The next girl comes up and I change it up a bit but say some more happy sunshine crapola and she trots off happy as a lark too. A line forms. I see like twenty women before the night is over and half of them tip me five bucks!

And I don't sell a single book. The wine shop lady rushes over as I'm making my way to the door and thanks me for a great night! "Can you come do this next Halloween?"

"Sure. Call me."

I walk to my car and toss my box of unsigned books into the back of my car and slide behind the wheel before glancing at my reflection in the rear view mirror and winking with golden eyelashes and giggling to myself. I drive off and floor it home, excited about dressing up my little ones for a night of trick or treating.

Happy Halloween!
~Alisha Paige



Anonymous said...

Alisha, that was hilarious. You have gumption for sure. Love the post!

Ciara Ballintyne said...

Oh my god, I would have died! You handled it much better than I would. I can see me icily telling the wine shop owner that I am not a fortune teller, I can't do readings, and no I will not apologise it's all her fault.... well, you can see it going down hill from there yes?

Lynnette Labelle said...

LOL OMG. That's too funny. I can't believe she made you do this. Or that you had the guts to go through with it. Bravo!

Lynnette Labelle

Krystal Wade said...

I love this. Absolutely a better actress than me...and a more patient person. Bravo. :-)

Alisha said...

@thepondhopper..ha ha...it is very good that I can laugh at this now..at the time it was very stressful...but even on the way home I was thinking...oh God, what a story!

@Ciara..sigh..you know, I am such a fraidy cat....I really should have told the lady exactly that..it was INSANE! It totally blew my mind that she thought paranormal author = fortune teller!!! I wanted to say, "You have GOT TO BE KIDDING, LADY!!!" She really wasn't nice to me at all. She acted shocked when I told her I wasn't a psychic. Totally bizarre.

@Lynnette...well, actually I didn't have the guts to tell the lady off...I tried to tell her nicely that I don't read palms but she just stared at me. You're ready to do readings? UH, WHAT???? Craziness! But when I look back on it, it was so easy..I suddenly understood the whole psychic scam thing. Sad...but funny at the same time. I hope those ladies were drunk enough to forget my readings and not take them to heart..sigh...at least I told them all good news....pretty much said the same thing to all of them in different ways...good news on the career front and the love forecast...lol!

@Krystal...ha ha..that actress part was only possible with a large glass of red wine..lol! Seriously! I was still shaking, even with the wine..it was very stressful and I totally faked it and prayed those ladies had enough to drink to believe the crap I was feeding them. Luckily none of them bought my books and probably will never visit this blog.

Note to wine drinking ladies: If I gave you a palm reading...IT WASN'T REAL.....break up with that guy or quit your job..do the OPPOSITE OF WHAT I TOLD YOU TO DO....ha ha..OR just drink more wine..snort!

Anonymous said...

You rock and are one cool cookie under pressure. :D

Lisa Mondello said...

THAT was hilarious! I can't believe you were able to keep a straight face! You're headed to Hollywood, honey! Thanks for the laugh!

Lisa Mondello

Alisha said...

Ha ha, Lisa! It was a crazy night. I was super stressed but made it through it. It actually got easier with each girl and they were all giggling and drinking wine so it was just one of those all around drunk girly fests..lol. Funny!

Stephen Knight said...

Totally hilarious. I oughtta try and make some cash doing that, especially since the male gigolo jag ain't living up to its name.

Alisha said...

Ha ha..you SHOULD, Stephen. You can do psychic readings and charge whatever you charge for your books and give a book for free! :)~